Connected, not perfect

How small moments of connection change everything about raising children


Author: Julia Penning de Vries, MD, Pediatrician and mother

Most parenting advice focuses on behavior. What to do when your child won't listen, won't eat, won't cooperate, won't calm down. The advice is usually well-intentioned. And it often doesn't last.Connected, Not Perfect starts somewhere else. It starts with the question underneath the behavior: what is my child actually trying to tell me?

A pediatrician's guide to everyday connection

After years in clinical practice, watching parents try technique after technique with children who were labeled difficult, I kept seeing the same thing: the children didn't need more correction. They needed to feel understood first.

This book is built on one idea: connection comes before correction. It explains why, drawing on what developmental research actually shows about how children build security, regulate their emotions, and become genuinely easier to guide. And then it shows you what to do about it on an ordinary Tuesday evening, when you have very little left to give.

No perfect parenting. No elaborate systems. Six practical paths to connection, applied to the real situations that bring most parents to a book like this one: meltdowns, mealtimes, bedtime battles, siblings, worry, and what to do after the moments that don't go the way you'd hoped.

Inside the book

🌱 Why behavior is rarely the real problem — and what's actually happening underneath it

🤝 Six practical paths to connection — stories, play, curiosity, rituals, one on one moments, and repair

🏠 Applied to real life — meltdowns, mealtimes, bedtime, siblings, worry, and the hard moments every parent faces

"Children don't usually ask for more reward charts.They ask for more connection."

About Julia

Julia Penning de Vries is a pediatrician and mother of two based in the Netherlands. After years of clinical practice, she created the Mind Adventure Method: a collection of practical tools to help parents build connection with their children through everyday moments.

Connected, not perfect is her first book.

Learn more about the method